Yesterday morning on my way to work, I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. My wife was driving, which makes it easier to answer phone calls, but I didn't recognize the number and started to put my phone away.
But then I remembered that I was waiting for a call from the dermatologist.
I had an appointment last week so she could check on the surgery I had a couple of months ago to remove a Basal Cell Carcinoma and see if anything new had popped up. She found a couple of Actinic Keratoses on my head, as usual, and froze them off. Then she checked the rest of my body, and finally my face. (I like to think she saves the best for last.) She noticed a small bump next to my eye. It's been there for years.
"It seems different," she said. "I think I'd like to biopsy it, just to make sure it isn't a Basal Cell."
She removed it and said she'd call me with the results in a week.
So I remembered that when the phone rang. I picked up and put it on speaker phone.
"Hello, is this Robert?" she said. (Doctors always call me "Robert," rather than the more familiar "Lympho Bob.")
"Yes it is."
"This is Dr. M. We have the results of the biopsy...It's benign." She said what kind of growth it was, which I don't remember, and said if it grew back, and it worried me, she could biopsy it again, but it was all fine for now.
I thanked her and hung up.
My wife said, "Well that's a nice way to start the day."
I agreed, and said, "When she started talking, I was trying to get a sense of whether this was going to be good or bad from here tone of voice."
My wife laughed. "Me too. She sounded happy, but I didn't know if that was because it was good news or because she was trying to be positive about bad news."
It's amazing to me that even after 17 years, that same feeling comes back, and those same strategies kick in. I've had several conversations with doctors about blood cancer diagnoses -- the first diagnosis 17 years ago and then results of scans, or of blood work that was a little off. And now I've had two skin cancer diagnoses, and a couple of others that ended with negative biopsies.
And every time, every conversation, that strategy kicks in of trying to guess what's coming. The actual diagnosis -- yes it's cancer or no it isn't -- comes at the end of the sentence, after about 10 seconds. But somehow our wonderful brains make a thousand calculations in that 10 seconds. Is her voice happy or serious? Does she sound busy and this is a routine positive call, or is she quiet, behind closed doors, where she can focus on giving negative news?
There are even more clues to analyze when it's person. Did it seem like she lingered outside the door, trying to get up her courage? Is she avoiding eye contact? Did she breeze right in, lighter on her feet because this was going to be an easy conversation?
I'd like to say I've gotten better at doing those calculations after 17 years. I'm not sure I have, and I'm not sure it's a skill I actually want.
But I also know that I'm not the only one who goes through that process, looking for clues and making calculations in mere seconds. We cancer patients are like computers. It's not artificial intelligence. It's about as real as it gets.
And that was my thought as we drove on to work. It just gave me a sense of belonging, of being part of a large group of people who unfortunately don't want to be a part of that group, but are stuck with it. But we've found each other, and that's what matters. The things we go through are not just things that we go through alone. There are things that we share that connect us -- experiences, feelings, desires. We are not alone.
My wife was right. It was a nice way to start the day.
Take care, everyone.