Cancer, Royalty, and Minding One's Business

I've been thinking about cancer a lot lately.

That's no surprise. There hasn't been a day in 16+ years that I haven't thought about cancer. It's a side effect of being a cancer patient, as well as a blogger who needs content.

But I'm also keeping an eye on a couple of other folks who both have cancer. They are people that I work with. I've known them for years, though I wouldn't say I'm personally close with them. Their diagnoses have an effect on my job, so they told me about it before they told most people. They also know about my own diagnosis from years back, so I think they trust me to be sensitive about theirs.

Both have been in treatment for several months. I try to check in with them every few weeks. Just an email saying "I'm thinking about you. I hope you're doing OK." 

One of them writes me back with updates -- very detailed updates, sometimes as detailed as a medical chart. This colleague also asks lots of questions, about my treatment, my experiences, my feelings. We don't have the same diagnosis, but cancer patients share a lot of things anyway. As you probably know, it's comforting to have someone else who has been through it all say "Yes, I felt that way too." 

The other colleague doesn't usually respond. When I do get a response, it's not really about the details -- more of a general "Had a doctor's appointment last week and things are going OK." For this colleague, it's the second time around. The cancer was first diagnosed a few years ago, and now it has come back. But the funny thing is, I have no idea what kind of cancer this colleague was diagnosed with. They have never shared it. Unlike the first colleague who gives me a full medical chart of detail, this one has always been very private about their personal life, and they give me almost no detail at all. Not even the type of cancer.

And you know what? That's just fine.

That's what I've been telling myself as I see so much news about the British Royal Family. I'm not a "royal watcher," though I did enjoy watching The Crown. Most of what I read about their situation has come from cancer-related websites. 

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, here's a summary: In January, King Charles announced that he was being treated for an enlarged prostate. About the same time, his daughter-in-law, Princess Catherine, announced that she was having abdominal surgery. Eventually, the King announced that he was diagnosed with cancer. And recently, the Princess also announced that her surgery resulted in a cancer diagnosis.

Neither of them has announced the type of cancer they were diagnosed with. The Princess said she has been in treatment with "preventative chemotherapy," but hasn't said what type. 

And you know what? That's just fine.

I've complained elsewhere that I really wish celebrities would give more detail about their diagnoses. I am particularly annoyed when famous people announce "I have been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma," and leave it at that. Because then I have to see al of the articles that tell me the survival rates for NHL without being clear that NHL isn't really a disease, but a name for about 60 other diseases, ranging from very slow-growing to incredibly aggressive, to the point where anything you say about "NHL" is meaningless. So I wish celebrities would give us some more detail. I feel like if we have to watch them go through the cancer experience, some of us would like to know just how relevant it is to our lives. If someone famous has Follicular Lymphoma, I want to know how much their very visible diagnosis reflects my own.

And then I very quickly push that out of my head.

Because it's their experience, not mine, and it's none of my business. 

As I said, I'm not a "royal watcher," but I do get a sense of how complicated their situation is. As a royal family, they have a different position than most celebrities. And if The Crown is accurate (and I know it's ultimately fiction), they also are very careful in managing their image, for reasons that may or may not be valid. And of course, Princess Catherine is a young mom, and needs to be mindful of her children and how they are experiencing all of this (I've been there, too -- The Princess is two years older than I was when I was diagnosed, and her kids are all within a year of how old my kids were at the time). 

So The King and The Princess are dealing with cancer while they are also dealing with their responsibilities to their families and their country. I don't envy them.

But in the end, whatever their responsibilities, whatever their decisions, the same thing is true for them as it is for all of us:

There's no right or wrong way to experience cancer.

Even for those of us who might be going around for the second or third time with cancer, it's still a new experience. And there's no playbook for this, no instruction manual, no To Do List. We make it all up as we go along.

And that's OK. 

Even if we look back later on and wish we had done things differently, the decisions we make at the time are the ones we are making based on the information we have and our needs at the time. If we decide to share all of the details with the world -- even starting a blog -- that's great. If we decide to keep it all inside and not share any or all of the details? That's OK too.

As for King Charles and Princess Catherine? They can tell us whatever they want, or keep the details to themselves. In the end, they are cancer patients, separate from their lives as Royals, and their only duty is to themselves and their families.

I hope you are all doing well, and feeling like the decisions you have made have been the right ones. 

Because they have been.