What to Say

Oh, busy days, busy days.

I usually try to post every couple of days, and here it is on day 4 with no post. Meetings at work, driving the kids to and fro, and various other commitments. I've said it before -- I am eternally grateful to  have the opportunity to be so busy, and to have the good health to live up to it all.

Since I'm throwing around some happy thoughts, and since we're all getting ready for Big Football Game Whose Trademarked Name We Aren't Supposed To Use, I'll keep things positive and offer two related links.

The first is a little bit old, but it came across my Facebook feed a coupl;e of days ago. It's from USA Today's Nashville music critic, Brian Mansfield, a colon cancer survivor, and it's called "My Semicolon Life: What to Say to a Cancer Patient." Some good, solid advice in there, most of which revolves around trying to relate to the cancer patient and understand what he or she is going through.
 The most surprising thing on his list? "If I had to pick one cancer to have, it'd be yours." This is a variation on a statement that usually makes the "Things not to say" list: "If you have to cancer, you have a good one." But, as Mansfield points out, some people can pull this one off. They are people who have been there themselves, so they have something to compare it all to. And I think the wording is key: the person saying it putting herself right into it. There's an "I" in there, not just a "you." I think that matters.

The other link came to me from my brother, and it came to him from Dana Farber. (My brother, as long-term readers will know, has raised thousands of dollars for research at Dana Farber through his participation in the Pan Mass Challenge.) This one, from a couple of days ago, is called "Five Questions to Ask a Cancer Patient."  This one, too, offers some nice suggestions, from someone who realizes that he probably used to say the wrong thing a lot, and is now on the other side of the cancer line. One quibble: I wouldn't ask "What can I do?" because, as the author says, the answer will probably be No. And while it is nice to ask, I think the No comes not just from a reluctance to get help, but also sometimes because of a feeling of being so overwhelmed that the patient doesn't know what to ask for help with. Don't ask what you can do. Think about what they might need help with. Can I make you dinner? What do you feel like eating these days? Can I take your dog for a walk? Can I pick up your kids? Do you need anything from the grocery store? Give them some choices. It will give them a sense of what you are willing to do, and what they can ask you for.

And definitely ask how the caregiver is doing.

We see lots of articles on what not to say. It's nice to see some on the positive side of things.