To Tell or Not?

Interesting piece on the NBC News site on whether or not to tell people that you have cancer. Or who to tell.  Or when.


First off, my own experience: I was pretty open about telling people right off. This blog was started very soon after I was diagnosed, precisely because I thought it would be the most efficient way of telling people. When she was asked by people what they could do to help, my wife's response was "Tell people." Spread the news for us, so we don't have to. I'm always open to talking about cancer, and my experiences with it. I think it will help others.

On the other hand, there are groups that I just don't tell. My students are among these people. And I'm really not sure why. Maybe it's a kind of weakness that I don't want them to see? (Though I'm pretty good about sharing my screw-ups with them.) Maybe I don't want to be defined that way? I don't want to be treated differently? I have told some classes. One, because we were discussing something that, when I added my experience, one student put some clues together and asked if I was a cancer survivor. I said Yes, but even that was complicated, because people have different definitions of what a survivor is. And I told another class, because we were talking about social media, and I let them know that this blog was one of the things that got me interested in how people communicate online. But it isn't something I bring up regularly, even when the opportunity presents itself.

So as much as I want to say, Yes, you should let everyone in the world know, I really can't say that. Because sometimes there are good reasons for keeping it hidden. Maybe if your bosses know, then things get weird at work, and you aren't looked at in the same way, and promotions and responsibilities disappear. Maybe some people just can't handle it, and it's better for everyone to just keep it under wraps, because the relationship is more important than the honesty. I can see where that might happen.

But one group I just can't understand keeping it from is your own children. Unless they're really young. But one person on the NBC story went to great lengths to hide an illness from his 14, 13, and 11 year old kids. The problem is, kids are smart, and they'll notice the change in you. And they'll assume The Worst. And if your reality is less than The Worst, then they're better off hearing the better news. And if your reality is The Worst, whatever that is, then they're going to find out soon anyway, so you might as well be honest.

Not an easy issue to come down on.

We all handle our cancer whatever way makes the most sense to us, and I certainly respect that. But for me, when in doubt, I say do the sharing. Keeping things inside is rarely the best approach.