My New "Doctor"

I had an amusing cancer-related experience recently.


I got a haircut a few days ago. I was a little hesitant to go at the time of day that I did, because I knew I'd end up getting it cut by the same woman who did it last time. She's a Talker, and worse, a Know-It-All-Talker. I deal with enough of them every day at work; I don't need one cutting my hair. She also gets in moods where she gets a little insulting. It's overall not usually a pleasant experience. But I went at that time anyway, because it was going to be my only chance for a while to get a haircut (we're getting to the crazy time of year now, at work and with the kids' lives).


The last time I saw her, she noticed that I have a small bald patch at my hairline near the back of my neck. It's maybe as big as a nickel. I have one under my chin, too. I know they're there, and they don't bother me. (Interstingly, this kind of spot alopecia is an autoimmune issue -- something to do with T cell lymphocytes, from what I understand. Probably not related to lymphoma; I've never read read anything about that connection.)


Well, the last time she cut my hair, she saw the small patch, and for the next 10 minutes, repeated to me how important it was that I rush to see my dermatologist, because it could spread to my entire head. (Not true -- it's actually very rare that such a thing would happen.)

So when I went back to her a few days ago, I knew she was going to bring it up again, and I decided I would tell her I was a cancer patient and hope it would just shut off all conversation, the way it does with most people. (It's almost as effective conversation stopper as telling people I'm an English teacher.)


She started cutting, and sure enough, she brought up the alopecia. I stopped her with a, "Yeah, I know it's there...I'm a cancer patient....."


It didn't shut her up. Not for a second.


Without missing a beat, she said, "I knew it. I knew what it was from. What do you have?"


"Lymphoma."

"Yup. I knew it," she said. And then she was off: "I had a guy in here last year with a lump behind his ear I told him to get it checked but he said it was fine but I told him, you better get that checked and he said OK and he got it checked and he came back the next week and said [she paused here] You saved my life. So now I have a customer for life, you know? Not that I did it for that reason it's just the kind of person I am I can't let someone not know because you know that's how I am, but his wife was in last week you should have heard her going on, I mean, that's not why I do it, it's just the kind of person I am. I was in the health field at one time."


She went on for a while more about her sister-in-law who went back to school to study nursing, but only becasue she's in it for the money, and about the crafts she sells on eBay, but then she circled back around to my lymphoma diagnosis.


"You'll be fine. Blood transfusions. That's what you need," and before I could respond, she told me about her former customer (whose life she saved) and how blood transfusions have cured his lymphoma, and he's fine now. "Yeah, I could go into the health field -- but not like my sister-in-law, just for the money, but I like to help people. The problem is, I can't stand to hear someone whine because they have a little cut, you now?"


I finally got a word in, and asked her what she had done in the health field.


"I used to cut patients' hair in a nursing home."


She finished me up, and I paid and tipped her extra for the medical advice. "You'll be fine!" she called out to me as I walked out the door. "Blood transfusions!"