What Not to Say

OK, this link is funny, but a little rude (so be warned before you click).

I've covered this subject before, but not in such a humorous way: the things that people do and say to cancer patients that really aren't very helpful.

This particular take on the subject comes from Glenn Rockowitz, a writer and comedian who is also a four (4!) time cancer survivor. The name of the article is "It's Funny Because It's So, So True: How Not to Cheer Up a Cancer Patient." It was first published in Seattle Weekly, but it's available online at Planet Cancer (a website geared toward young (18 to 40 year old) cancer patients).

Rockowitz hits on a lot of the problems that cancer patients occasionally encounter with people who mean well, but say or do the wrong thing. Some of my favorite lines from the piece:

• As he was recovering from cancer surgery, Rockowitz received a basket of limes from his employer with a note that said "You'll do anything for attention." He assumed the note was an attempt at humor, and was confused by the limes. I especially liked that one because I've used a variation of the "attention" joke on someone else, and I think random fruit baskets are hilarious. But it didn't work so well for Rockowitz.
• When people do something nice for a cancer patient, like make dinner, and the giver doesn't get a thank you and gets upset, Rockowtiz says to understand that the cancer patient probably has other things on his mind. "Please assume that your lumpy pal is grateful. And not just lazy or thoughtless." Your lumpy pal. I love that.
• At the same time, says Rockowtiz, only cancer patients can make cancer jokes. I totally disagree. I'm desperate for new material and I wish someone, lumpy or smooth, would send some cancer humor my way.
• Go easy on suggesting alternative "cures" for cancer. They're unproven; if they were proven, there wouldn't be any cancer. "Look, I know you mean well, but I have yet to see anyone pull out of a pancreatic cancer tailspin by sucking on a panda's claw for two hours a day." He also mentions something about Bosco enemas.

Anyway, pretty funny stuff, and the sprinkling of humor makes the advice go down a little smoother.

And, of course, none of this applies to my own family and friends, who are wonderful and sensitive in all ways. (It's the strangers and acquaintances who cause problems....)