We've had about 2 inches of the 12 inches of snow they keep telling us to expect, but we're all off from school and work today.
Which has given me some time to reflect. I was thinking about what I wrote in the last entry, about people saying things they shouldn't say. It made me think of a special type of statement that Isabel and I get from people sometimes: people just don't know how we do it.
Husband with cancer? I don't know how you do it.
Husband with cancer and musician son with a broken finger? I don't know how you do it.
Husband with cancer, musician son with a broken finger, another son with severe food allergies? Oh my God, I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
Of course you could. What choice do you have?
We could roll over and go back to bed (which we actually did this morning, after we found out about our various cancellations). But tomorrow? We're getting up. And Friday? We're getting up and bringing the kids to school and then heading to the oncologist's office for treatment #5.
I'm not sure what the whole "I couldn't do it" statement is supposed to be all about. Are they making themselves feel better, that they have less of a burden? Maybe it's their way of avoiding things they don't want to think about? I don't know.
I'm not saying that people don't get overwhelmed sometimes. There are people in the support group who write in who are so overwhelmed and that have nowhere else to turn that someone will suggest anti-anxiety drugs. And for a lot of people, they work wonders. It makes me happy to see people find something that gives them some hope. I wouldn't ever say someone isn't dealing because they needed that kind of help.
But it bothers me to get the comments that people are basically giving up before they even try to find a solution, and are encouraging me to do the same.
How do we do it? I don't know. We just do.
And then we have snowball fights and drink hot chocolate.
Yes, we are waiting for the storm to hit Boston as well. Early release for Emily today.
ReplyDeleteI understand that Quinnipiac also cancelled school because a few flakes were seen on campus. But campus security has them in custody. (insert rim shot audio here) Try the veal - I'm here all week.
My sympathies to the Buck family relatives in the real snow belt. Someday, I'm sure Bob will tell you about the blizzard of '78 in Boston. Now that was a storm. Even worse, as kids, we had no cable, internet, ipods or Nintendo. We just played a lot of driveway hockey - and learned how to fix the glass in the garage door windows. (Bob had power, but no aim.)
Interesting observation on peoples comments. Sometimes I think that peoples comments are mostly a reflection of their own experiences, rather than a judgement on the patients ability to adapt to the situation. As you say, what's the alternative? Give up, try anti-anxiety meds. Not my choice or probably yours either. I'll stick with 2 wheels and keep pedalling.
When I'm tired, i'll ride the one with the engine.
Funny - you never see a Harley parked outside of a psychiatrist's office.
Good luck Friday. We need another trip to Foxwoods soon. Maybe the Buck boys can join us. I hear they appreciate a good micro brew almost as much as I do.
Mike
Bob,
ReplyDeleteRecently one of the teachers who works with Mary lost a child due to a congenital heart defect. When the staff at her school found out, another teacher apologized to staff present and excused herself from taking part in any effort to offer condolences or support or even to discuss the matter because, she explained, "I just can't deal with stuff like this." She had never lost anyone close to her and did not like being reminded that such a thing was even possible so she simply decided to avoid the bereaved teacher for the foreseeable future.
Of course it is inevitable that she will have "to deal with stuff like this" at some point. On one level this kind of person is repugnant, and on another, very sad.
Tom
My dad used to joke that people can get used to anything, even hanging by the thumbs. I have the feeling, though, that you and your family are doing more than getting used to your challenges, more than just dealing with them. You are waking up in the morning with gratitude for another day together, allowing yourself anger or sadness when you need to, and finding emotional and spiritual nourishment to help you through those darker times. You inspire us. Blessings to all of you.
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